The World Cup is the biggest thing in Women’s soccer, and the dominant US team is currently 10,000 miles away from the States, in the Land Down Under. To show its support not just for the American team, but for women’s sport in general, ERIKALUST, a sex-positive porn brand, is offering free porn subscriptions and a selected range of 90-minute films.
Women’s soccer is big business in the US, with a UEFA report estimating it at close to $700 million in annual commercial value. That’s a testament to the growing support for women’s sport. But for the players, so far from the States, the tournament can be an exhausting and lonely time.
As is standard practice during major international sporting tournaments, players are often told to cut out personal distractions to focus solely on their sporting performance, limiting time with their partners – a move which leaves many players full of pent-up sexual frustration.
To help relieve tension, and keep the USA team focused, ERIKALUST is offering to provide free porn subscriptions for the USA, the current World champions.
The unofficial partnership approach was made by founder and new porn pioneer, Erika Lust, who has directed and produced over 300 adult entertainment films, with a focus on the female gaze and using female directors. Erika will personally select 90-minute films for the squad to enjoy, and has personally written to the football associations in an open letter.
Should the offer be accepted, athletes will gain access to a number of ERIKALUST platforms, including Lust Cinema, XConfessions and ElseCinema, where they’ll be able to view a number of award-winning erotic films to enjoy during their downtime.
The films available from Erika’s award winning site are phenomenal feminist porn that I highly recommend, personally. Not just for internationally acclaimed athletes, but for anyone who enjoys porn, and especially, for people who think they don’t enjoy porn. If you’d like a few personal recommendations, I discussed some Barbie inspired films here.
Speaking about the sponsorship offer, Erika Lust said:
“The tournament’s official partners include gambling, fast food, soft drinks, logistics and IT software businesses. Those aren’t particularly relevant or much use to players who are restricted to how much intimacy they can enjoy due to being away from partners or in desperate need of some self-love. As an adult entertainment brand that makes porn that puts female pleasure at the forefront, it makes perfect sense to offer a helping hand to players during the tournament.
“Porn and masturbation are well known for being a great way to release physical and emotional stress. With the weight of expectation placed on these teams, we want to show them our support by becoming the first unofficial porn sponsor. We hope that the respective football associations see the physical and psychological benefits that masturbation and porn can have on the players’ performance.”
About Erika Lust
Erika Lust is an award-winning indie adult filmmaker who creates sex-positive adult cinema by portraying relatable characters, realistic hot sex and offering a more inclusive and cinematic alternative to the mass produced mainstream porn.
Erika defends the importance of having women, BIPOC, and LGBTQ+ people behind the camera in all key positions and supports burgeoning talent across the globe by producing and financing female and queer guest directors. In addition to this, Erika has built a diverse (online & offline) community of sex-positive creators and artists.
Over the past 20 years, the Erika Lust brand has gone from strength to strength. Erika has directed many adult feature films and series, over 130 short films, and produced around 150 more.
June is Pride Month and what better time to ramp up your sexual routines? There’s nothing like a bit of stunning erotica to get you in the mood (or even more in the mood) than Ballroom culture, gay sex, BIPOC representation, all featured in Erika Lust’s newest feature film, Catboy. Erika Lust always brings ethical porn to your solo or partnered sex and this film is a fantastic way to have a little Pride and get ready for some steamy sessions. Directed by Xaho and already rated 5 stars it’s sure to please most anyone.
Catboy and all other XConfessions films can be bought alone, or a subscription to XConfessions to watch Catboy and more is $19.95 USD per month. A subscription is a great way to treat yourself as it gets you access to all the films available from XConfessions every month, including any new releases.
Because we all have our own individual tastes, here’s a round-up of some other great movies no matter what your preference:
New Kings on the Block (Dir. Erika Lust) – Features non-binary and trans representation, Drag King culture, and gender discussion. Klappe (Dir. Matt Lambert) – Trans, non-binary, gay sex representation. Club cruising culture. Gender Bender (Dir. Erika Lust), also on Else Cinema here – Queer & Gender play, Kink. Girl Gang (Dir. Charlie Benedetti) – Lesbian sex, Asexual representation.
While you’re watching your chosen hot film (or three) don’t forget to break out an awesome toy from my favorite company, Fun Factory, and have a little Pride while you’re doing it. You can ride a rainbow this month and always with their Rainbow Amor dildo, and feel good knowing 10 percent of all sales are going to Trans Futures Stage!
This limited edition version of the well-loved Amor is the 6-Inch dildo you know and love and includes a super thin base, allowing for extra close contact when worn in a harness. And for lovers of a versatile toy, it suctions to smooth, flat surfaces for riding and grinding. The girthy tip of AMOR stimulates the G-spot or the prostate, and, at 6 inches, most people find AMOR the most comfortable dildo. Instead of stressing about going too deep, the user can wind their hips and bounce around stress-free.
I have the limited edition Bi Amor, which is the same base version, just in the Bi colors, and it is one of my favorite dildos to use. The size is absolutely perfect, the suction is exceptional, and due to the thinness of the base, it fits well in every harness I have.
Have a little Pride post sex and play
We could all use some soothing and nothing helps rehydrate and help prevent chaffing better than Momotaro Apotheca’s Salve. I can’t say enough wonderful things about their entire line of products and keep them on hand at all times. They’re a queer owned company, which would be a huge selling point for me alone, but honestly, their products speak for themselves.
Their award-winning Salve, a soothing balm for delicate areas smells great and works wonders. With clean hands, simply apply a pea size amount around the vulva or penis after sex, or as often as you chose.
This Pride, take care of yourself with these products and enjoy. But more importantly, be safe out there and have fun!
Get in touch! I offer intimacy and relationship coaching sessions on a limited basis, you can contact me here. If you ever wonder what other toys/wellness items I recommend, I created a page specifically about that.
This article contains affiliate links. If you subscribe to Erika Lust’s ethical porn subscription sites or purchase any items from Fun Factory or Momotaro Apotheca from my links, I will earn a small commission, but it won’t cost you anything more. Thanks for supporting my work <3
It’s easy to go online and find porn. What’s not easy, is finding ethical porn, created and produced by women, for women, in what feels like a safe space to consume it. What does that even look or feel like? It can mean something different to everyone but for me, it means not being bombarded with ads, choices that feel more in tune with my desires, consent based films, and the knowledge that performers are paid a living wage.
“Big Porn” just doesn’t offer these things. Let’s be honest, most of us who consume porn have probably done so at least a few times on a free, tube site. I get it, I’ve done it myself in the past, even being part of the industry. Before I knew exactly how those sites worked, I thought somehow, the performers got a share of the ad revenue or were somehow being paid, even though I didn’t personally spend any money on the platform. It’s easy to convince ourselves we aren’t doing something wrong, especially when we’re broke and want a quick fix.
But using these tube sites isn’t ethical and more often than not, the performers whose videos and clips are featured on these sites never see a dime of the money made from them.
Research about these sites has taught me a number of things, one being, most of the videos uploaded to these tube sites aren’t even done with the performer’s permission. They’re taken from cam sites, ripped from DVDs, or screen grabbed from fan sites. Some may even be what’s known as revenge porn, videos and photos sent to a significant other at some point, then distributed after a breakup. The bottom line is, they’re not being distributed with consent. Clearly, not ethical porn.
Paying for your porn helps ensure performers are earning a living wage. Moreover, it changes the conversation about porn. How? When you pay for the porn you consume, you have a hand in sponsoring the kind of content you want to see–you’re supporting studios that do the right thing by providing safe spaces for their performers, who understand testing is important, who know conversations about consent mean a more comfortable environment for all, and the continuation of a product you enjoy.
Top Ethical Porn Sites For Women to Explore Their Sexuality
Erika Lust’s Feminist Collection of Ethical Porn Sites
Erika Lust is a pioneer in the porn industry for a reason and she’s created a number of sites to showcase her groundbreaking work. There’s site for just about anyone, from softcore porn to her exemplary XConfessions–where users can write in and disclose their own fantasies and potentially have it made into a film!
Else Cinema–When you’re looking for something else, Else Cinema, also known as The Erika Lust Soft Edition, then look no further. This is the first cinema of erotic movies that offers viewers a sensual experience. More romantic storylines and passionate affairs than your typical porn experience.
Lust Cinema–If you’re looking for porn that is feature-length or in a binge-worthy series with all-star adult performers, Lust Cinema is your answer. This is the adult studio for lovers of cinema and sex, with relatable storylines and realistic sex that’s part of a wider narrative. On Lust Cinema you will also find an extensive catalogue of porn films made by some of the top adult studios in the USA. Whether you’re craving lesbian porn or BDSM sex, expect to find it here starring some of your favorite porn performers.
XConfessions–Completely crowd-sourced erotic cinema: the public’s secret desires are turned into screenplays for Erika Lust and guest directors from around the world. If you’re ready to confess, your secret fantasy might just be their next short film!
The award-winning XConfessions was born in 2013 as the first step of Erika Lust’s mission to create a new wave of adult cinema. XConfessions is now home to a community of filmmakers, artists, performers, and viewers who love sex and film and are looking for a new kind of erotic experience.
Lust also has a non-profit, The Porn Conversation (TPC) which she runs with her partner, whose goal is to provide educational materials to parents, educators, and older teens concerning porn literacy. It’s a fantastic organization I am proud to be an ambassador for.
Lustery
Lustery–Founded in 2016 by Spanish filmmaker Paulita Pappel, Lustery started small, but with big ambitions. It germinated within Berlin’s sex-positive community with the goal of capturing the candid intimacy and raw passion of people’s sex lives. The market for the platform grew quickly, fed as much by word of mouth between couples as by an increasingly smut-literate audience hungry for authenticity in their porn. Its goal: To celebrate sex and relationships in their diversity by creating an archive of authentic intimacy and a sex-positive platform for people all around the world.
Side note, Paulita has been featured in a number of films which can be found on Erika Lust’s sites!
Sssh.com–Porn, reimagined. The award-winning site, Sssh, is the premier destination for sex-positive, ethical porn made from a woman’s point of view. Crowd-sourced films are inspired by fantasies and desires shared by their members. Their provocative storylines will challenge your perceptions of explicit sexual content. From cutting edge VR to narrative film, and what most porn sites leave out–written word and auditory stimulation. Sssh has been bringing phenomenal work to the porn industry since 1999, founded by critically acclaimed filmmaker, Angie Rowntree.
Ethical porn means something different to everyone, but the bottom line for most women is, we should be able to have a safe space to consume quality content to explore our sexuality. These sites provide that, while also having a bevy of items to choose from so we never run out of things to consume in the process.
If you’d like to speak further about any of these sites or porn literacy, get in touch!
Rabbit vibrators are one of the most recognizable sex toys available. This is owing in part to their coverage on shows like Sex and the City as far back as the late 90s. If you watched the show, you may remember the episode, The Turtle and the Hare where Miranda lends Charlotte her rabbit. While clearly, they couldn’t show exactly what happened, it was pretty obvious based on the fact that Charlotte didn’t want to leave the house, a grand time was had. I guess you could say she found the best rabbit vibrator for her.
Sex toys in general have come a long way since 1998, thankfully. And we have a lot more choices now, which can sometimes be overwhelming. If you’re looking for the best rabbit vibrator out there, you may find multiple choices even within one company, but don’t worry, I’m going to narrow down the choices for you and help you out.
Which is the Best Rabbit Vibrator? Miss Bi or Lady Bi?
Fun Factory has some of the best sex toys on the market, hands down. Their powerful, rumbly motors, ergonomic handles, and easy to navigate controls make their toys well worth owning. So it stands to reason, if you’re looking for the best rabbit vibrator, they’re a great choice. But which one should you choose? Well, it depends on your body and how you like to receive your pleasure. Let’s break down the specifications of each of their rabbit vibrators so you can decide for yourself.
Fun Factory Miss Bi Specifications
Two strong motors for customizable sensations
Designed to hug the clit & G-spot
Flexible clitoral arm adapts to any body
Girthy in the right places
Save your favorite vibration setting
One thing I hear a lot from folks when they’re talking about rabbit vibrators is they want to be able to control the vibrations separately, from the internal arm and the clitoral arm. Fun Factory has you covered. Personally, I enjoy more vibrations internally and a little less on my clit, so being able to adjust these vibrations my way makes all the difference.
I also love how flexible the clitoral arm is and the width. Too often this piece on a rabbit is so narrow it gives pinpoint vibrations to my clit and that is just not the kind of stimulation I need. It’s too much and takes me out of the headspace I need to be in. The shape of the clitoral arm allows the rumbling vibration to be dispersed which is a much better feeling.
The base is super-girthy, too, to please your sensitive vaginal opening. With minimal stroking, rubbing, or thrusting, you can get maximum pleasure. One thing I do hear a lot is how “short” Miss Bi is. Fun Factory based the length on tester feedback. People stated they craved more girth, a shorter length, and a pronounced G-spot curve. And, it’s anal safe. That clitoral arm? Feels pretty damn fantastic tickling the perineum.
Right now, when you add Miss Bi to your cart, you’ll see a 20 percent discount through 3/29/2023 when you buy from Fun Factory.
Fun Factory Lady Bi Specifications
Two super-strong, rumbling motors
Hits the clit and the a-spot, getting you extra turned on and lubed up
Designed to satisfy the size queen who wants it all
Firm-yet-flexible silicone for perfect pressure
Easy-control (even with lube hands!) loop handle
Calling size queens! If you want a longer insertable length, Lady Bi may be the better choice for you. If you want to be wetter, more turned on, and to experience deeper sensations than ever before, then you want a long, strong vibe that’s going to hit your a-spot, the area close to the cervix that has been shown to increase arousal. Obviously all bodies are different, so this vibe may not hit that spot for you, and angles do matter.
Like the Miss Bi, the Lady Bi also has two powerful, rumbling motors, in a design that’s long and firm, for size lovers who crave dual stimulation. Need firmer pressure on your clit to get you where you’re going? They adapted their signature FlexiFUN Technology™ to make Lady Bi flexible-but-not-too-flexible, so you can enjoy a more intense pressure from a shaft that adapts to your motion. Plus, the length gives you more options for play, whether that means vibrating the arousal-triggering a-spot or simply having greater mobility.
If you want to know more about A-spot stimulation and how it can work for you, I highly recommend reading up on it from my dear friend, Cy over on her blog at Super Smash Cache. She is the A-spot Queen.
Comparing the Lady Bi and Miss Bi side by side
Rabbit vibrator
Power Type
Movement
Dimensions
Battery Life
Charging Time
Miss Bi
USB rechargeable with included charger
6 speeds and 6 patterns
Insertable length: 3.15 in External vibrator length: 1.38 in
30-60 min
6-8 hours
Lady Bi
USB rechargeable with included charger
6 speeds and 6 patterns
Insertable length: 4.5 in External vibrator length: 1.97 in
30-60 min
6-8 hours
Final Thoughts
So which is the best rabbit vibrator? That’s up to you and your body. Personally, I enjoy them both depending on what kind of pleasure I am seeking that day. The Lady Bi feels fantastic when I want a deeper penetration and to make myself squirt more easily. The Miss Bi is perfect when I want more girth at the vaginal opening and a more dispersed rumbling vibration across my entire clit. Plus, I have found it’s really fun to use anally, too. You can also use Lady Bi anally, they’re both anal safe.
This article contains affiliate links, so when you treat yourself while shopping at Fun Factory, I may earn a small commission. Right now, through 3/29/2023 when you add Miss Bi to your cart, you’ll receive 20 percent off.
Recently Netflix released Money Shot: The Pornhub Story, a documentary discussing, among other things, how one website, often referred to as “Big Porn” managed to secure its place online as the go-to site for all things pornographic–using SEO to direct traffic to all its subsidiaries when anyone searched for specific keywords relating to adult content. This Pornhub documentary isn’t, however, just about their meteoric rise, nor is it just about their greed as a company (though that is a large part of it), or lack of morals. It’s about a host of issues that brought together showcase a larger issue within the porn industry.
What it isn’t about is content creator greed. But for some reason, that’s what I keep seeing people harping on across social media.
In case you aren’t aware this is a form of victim blaming and it needs to stop. Adult content creators have been harmed by large companies who behave badly. Not just Pornhub, but other porn production companies, fansites, and more. Sex workers are included in this as well. These folks are out here doing a job and literally just expect to be treated with respect and dignity and oh yeah, be paid for the services they’re providing.
Sounds simple, right? Trust me, it isn’t.
They’re blocked at every turn. Payment processors don’t want to work with them. Clients in the real world and online scam them or flat out refuse to pay for services rendered. Production companies don’t provide safe environments or honor contracts. Companies conduct business in nefarious ways. The Pornhub documentary discussed scenarios where illegal activities were being posted on their site and monetized, which in turn caused legitimate content creators to lose access to being paid for their content.
Yet, PH still made money, a lot of money.
Why is the Pornhub documentary important?
Most people became aware of the scandal surrounding Pornhub due to a campaign that began a couple of years ago by a Evangelical group attempting to shut the site down. While I do not agree with how this came about and know there were a lot of lies and issues surrounding it, I do understand what they were trying to accomplish in theory.
What I have an issue with is what happened in the wake of it. Payment processors pulling their services for legit content creators is a problem. Not just for Pornhub, but for other fansites and porn production companies as well. Adult content creators need legitimate ways to accept payment for services provided. We don’t live in a cash society any longer. These groups claim they want to help sex workers, yet, they put us in a position to be in more danger by taking away the ability to exist online where we are safer.
“If the attack on porn continues on the path that it’s currently on…it’s not just an attack on porn, it’s an attack on women’s sexuality, it’s an attack on queer sexuality, it’s an attack on people being able to express themselves openly, especially online.”
Womanizer Starlet 3 used with permission from Wow-Tech
Womanizer is one of the most recognizable sex toy companies on the planet. Their Womanizer Starlet 3 is a new version of a toy you’ll probably recognize—it’s the original Womanizer Pleasure Air Technology combined with five new vivid product colors and two more intensity levels, while being IPX7 Waterproof and USB rechargeable as well as being one of the most affordable clitoral stimulation toys on the market. Betty’s Toy Box provided this item to me in exchange for an honest review.
What are the specs of the Womanizer Starlet 3?
Colors
Run Time
Charge Time
Head Material
Body Materials
Weight
Dimensions
Turquoise, Indigo, Violet, Pink, Gray
30min
30min
body-safe silicone
ABS plastic made without phthalates, BPA or latex
80g
117mm x 46mm x 47mm
chart by author
Manufacturer Warranty: 5 years
Box includes: Womanizer Starlet 3 clitoral simulator, USB charging cable (AC adapter not included), quick start guide, safety instructions
It charges with the included USB charging cable and note, the LED light is in the clitoral stimulating head, and will come on and flash when charging. 30 minutes to charge, 30 minutes of use.
There are two buttons. It’s not rocket science. + turns it on and increases intensity – decreases intensity and also turns it off. Easy peasy.
What are the features of the Womanizer Starlet 3?
Pleasure Air Technology, unique to all Womanizer products, means your clitoris is stimulated without direct contact. Gentle air vibrations suck and massage at the same time, giving you an experience unlike any other toy you’ve experienced. There’s also the beauty of “set it and forget it”. What does that mean? Just settle this toy onto your clitoris and ride the waves of pleasure. This is great for anyone with limited hand mobility or general mobility issues. It’s also helpful for those who’ve found the intensity of other clitoral stimulators on the market to be too much. But don’t worry, the Starlet 3 has more than one setting, in fact, it boasts six intensity levels, so you’re sure to find the right fit for you. Whether you prefer gentle or OMG.
It’s small and handy, with an ergonomic fit for the palm of your hand. Good things really do come in small packages—it’s small enough to fit between two bodies during playtime, too. Since the Starlet 3 is waterproof, you can take your party to the shower, bath, or even the pool and not worry about ruining the fun.
What you really want to know—How does the Womanizer Starlet 3 perform?
I love how easy the Starlet 3 is to use so let me start with that. A lot of sex toys have multiple buttons so one of the first things I do before settling in to use them is get acquainted with all the bells and whistles. Honestly, there’s not much to doing that with this toy, there are two buttons, a plus and minus and they do exactly what you think they would. The plus button is the on button, press it for two seconds and the toy powers on at its lowest setting. Press it again up to six times to cycle through the intensity levels. The minus button will cycle down through the intensity levels, or press it for two seconds to power off.
The silicone head is fairly large and the toy only comes with one, however, you can order other sizes direct from Womanizer if you’d like. Most people find it fits their body, and Womanizer chose to include only one in an effort to make this clitoral stimulator affordable, along with not providing their usual storage bag. What I like about the larger head is the ability to cover a larger surface beyond just my clitoris, but your mileage may vary. All bodies are different.
Although using lubricant is not required, I highly recommend it. You won’t need much, but I’ve found just a bit of water-based lube allows the Pleasure Air Technology to work even better. Wicked Simply Aqua is my favorite to pair with this toy, it’s vegan and paraben free. Just add a few drops to your body and get ready to ride the waves of pleasure.
I was able to orgasm with this toy fairly easily and found I didn’t need to get to the highest level of intensity. The Starlet 3 doesn’t have the added bonus of Afterglow or Smart Silence like it’s more expensive counterparts, the Classic 2 or Premium 2, but it’s also a lot more inexpensive. I also found the body a little slippery (it’s the shinier ABS plastic, versus the more matte “Soft Touch” of the Classic 2) compared to the Classic 2, which I’m also reviewing soon, but again, the price difference between the two is pretty significant.
Overall, it’s a good toy for the price and if you’re in the market for your first clitoral stimulator I would recommend it. I would give it 4 out of 5 stars.
Pros of the Starlet 3
Cons of the Starlet 3
Inexpensive
No storage bag
Multiple color choices
Slippery handle
6 intensity levels
Only one clitoral head
Easy to operate
Short battery life
chart by author
Final Thoughts
There are a lot of clitoral stimulators on the market, even within the Womanizer line of toys. Are there better options than the Starlet 3? Yes, however, there are clearly worse options too. For the price point you won’t find a better choice. If you have a bigger budget, and desire more luxury and more options, I would recommend the Womanizer Classic 2, which I’ll be reviewing in a couple of days. But if you would rather have something economical that does the job, you can’t go wrong with the Starlet 3.
This article contains affiliate links. If you treat yourself while shopping, I’ll earn a small commission. Thanks to Betty’s Toy Box for providing the Womanizer Starlet 3 in exchange for an honest review. Use my code DEMI to receive 10 percent off your entire order at Betty’s, where you’ll receive free shipping on orders over $69.
When it comes to oral sex, most folks who indulge in it think they have the best moves down pat. I won’t lie, I’ve been with people who swore they were the best cunnilinguists out there, and they went on to prove themselves worthy of the title. Unfortunately, that’s not the case the majority of the time.
Like anything else you engage in with another person, your mileage may vary. There are things you can do for one person that will have them screaming for more; try it with someone else and they may do all they can to squirm away.
I say all this to say, your moves may have worked on a lot of people, but communicating with your partner will always win the day. That’s the problem with getting into a rut, so to speak. Thinking you have a set of moves perfected, then performing them with every lover you have the pleasure of encountering isn’t how you go about making your partners feel amazing.
There are techniques, however, you can learn to add to your repertoire which may lead your partner to explosive orgasms. And the best way to get started, is by memorizing a map.
Wikimedia Public Commons
Before you begin any project, you should always be sure you know what you’re working with. Every vulva is different, but the main parts are typically in the same place.
Contrary to popular belief, you’re not ‘eating vagina’, as the vagina is internal. That doesn’t mean you should ignore it, though, once things get going.
The key to exceptional oral sex is paying attention to all the parts that feel pleasure. Some people with vulvas love having their labia (minora and majora) stroked, licked, and maybe even squeezed a little. Others don’t care if you do anything other than hold them out of the way while you go to town on the clitoris.
Pro tip: Let’s do away with the trope that the clitoris is difficult to find. It’s not. Although they are all different shapes and sizes, they are all in the same place.
This is why communication is so important. Keep checking in with your partner while you’re going down on them in the beginning. Yes, sounds and movements help clue you in when you’re doing something right (or not), but asking, “Does that feel good?” goes a long way. Not everyone is comfortable making their pleasure known vocally with sounds. Let’s be better about talking through our pleasure (or displeasure).
One of the biggest mistakes people make when eating pussy is going straight for the clitoris. Sure, you want to give this amazing gland a lot of love, but make your way there slowly. And don’t start with the vulva area at all. Begin kissing your partner in all the other places before you make your way to the finish line.
With that said, the clitoris is a pretty amazing thing. What you see is only a small part of the organ itself. The clitoris extends into the body, with a shaft that’s nine to eleven centimeters long! It boasts more nerve endings than a penis, so it makes sense it’s the center of attention.
That also means it’s extra sensitive. Some partners will enjoy direct intense pressure, while others need you to go a little softer. But whatever way your partner enjoys it, do yourself and her a favor and don’t stop when she says, “Don’t stop!”
When your partner tells you not to stop, they’re saying exactly what you’re doing, right that moment, has them on the edge of orgasm. Changing the pressure, the shape of your tongue, or really anything at that moment is a sure fire way to cause them to lose the orgasm.
That’s never a good thing. Unless you’re into edge play, but be sure to discuss that ahead of time!
How to Get Started Giving Oral Sex
Start at the top- No, I don’t mean the top of their pussy. Place soft kisses on their neck, moving downward towards their breasts. Take your time here. There are so many erogenous zones on the breasts you can explore. Be sure to pay equal attention to both mounds!
Keep moving down- At this point, your partner is likely moaning and writhing, so be sure to continue giving pleasure. Teasing is a big part of any kind of foreplay, but you want to show your intentions to please as well. If they’re wearing undies, start kissing their vulva and even licking a bit through the material. It’s a great build up and will leave them wanting more.
The inner thighs are a hot zone for a lot of people, so don’t leave them out. However, if they are ticklish, this may be a no go area until they’re extra turned on. Personally, I’m no longer ticklish at all once I’m raring to go!
The best part- It’s time to remove any barriers and really get down to business (if your partner is okay with this, we’ll talk about this again later). If your partner enjoys sex toys, be sure to have one handy. But don’t try to use it right away, except for some vibration! Most people with vulvas don’t orgasm from penetration alone, but you can always turn it on and buzz your way over the labia and even the clit before giving it all a good tongue lashing.
Forget the alphabet- I see this advice so often and wonder who decided it was a good idea. Spelling the alphabet on your partner’s clit is probably not going to do much for them. It’s incredibly inconsistent. Consistency is important. As mentioned earlier, if they say don’t stop, then don’t stop!
Listening and learning
While you’re licking and sucking your partner’s clitoris, pay attention to how their body is reacting. If you’re not getting much in the way of signs, i.e. they’re not grasping the linens, moving their bottom, breathing faster, etc. then change up what you’re doing.
But most importantly, ask them what they need.
In an ideal world, you will be able to listen and observe your partner’s body as you try different techniques on them, allowing you to see what works and doesn’t.
Some people just won’t like what you’re doing, and that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them. It just means you need to spend more time getting to know their specific preferences.
If they aren’t sure what they like, try a few different ways to give oral sex and get them to rate how it feels. Don’t take the ratings or directions personally. This is about what they enjoy and isn’t a statement against your sexual prowess.
Some people are quieter than others and may not react much, even when they orgasm. As a result, you may find it near impossible to tell if they are enjoying themselves or not. The only solution is getting some feedback from them. After you go down on them, try asking them about what they enjoyed, what they didn’t enjoy, and what they want you to do differently.
A note about using barriers while giving oral sex
Safer sex is never a bad thing. Folks don’t always consider using a barrier when performing oral sex, it’s not something we think about as often as we do using a condom for penetrative sex. But have you ever tried to use a dental dam? They’re awkward, the shift around, and let’s face it, they aren’t sexy. Let me tell you about Lorals, FDA cleared for STI protection, sexy undies for oral.
Available in black if you want to keep it mysterious and now, sheer if you’re ready to bare it all, Lorals provide a barrier between your body and your partner for any kind of oral sex you want to get into. They protect but they don’t keep you from experiencing the same pleasure you would without being in place. And, if oral while on your period has always been a no-no for you (we don’t judge either way!) Lorals provides a barrier to allow you to feel comfortable for that, too.
The Bottom Line
Orgasm doesn’t have to be the goal when giving oral sex. It’s wonderful if you get there, but unless this is the only sex act you’ll be doing for the night, it’s just a warm up for more. When you go into licking pussy with the idea you must get your partner off, it puts pressure on you both to perform.
Enjoy it for the appetizer it is and make your partner feel good. In the end, your attention and listening to their body and words will take you further than you’ve been before.
This article contains affiliate links, so if you treat yourself to something while shopping I may earn a small commission.
If you would like to chat more about intimacy topics or set up a coaching session, you can contact me here.
Yesterday I watched the documentary Planet Sex with Cara Delevingne on Hulu in its entirety. For the most part, it was sex positive and well done. I had a few moments where I didn’t agree with the way certain points were presented but that’s to be expected with anything–we are never going to agree with everything someone else thinks. I was surprised when I got to the end however and nothing had been mentioned about sex work
Episode four of this documentary is titled Pornucopia and would have been the perfect opportunity to bring sex work into the conversation if they were afraid to do an entire episode about it, though let’s be honest, a full 45 minutes could have been filmed about it with no issue.
The episode discusses how pornography can be problematic, but does a good job of showing the viewer how certain corners of the industry are working to change that–showcasing people like filmmaker Erika Lust, who creates ethical films that aren’t coming from the traditional cis, white, male gaze. Each film is accompanied by footage of the consent meetings (yes, they have those!), where the performers sit down before shoots and talk about what they do and don’t like, what turns them on, and what will bring them to orgasm. Because yes, porn performers should experience pleasure, too.
And yes, they are a kind of sex worker, but those words are never uttered during this episode. I appreciate the comment by Erika Lust concerning support for performers. She says what we all in the sex work industry (and porn industry) have been saying for years. Pay for your porn. Follow your favorite creators on their social media and other platforms. Listen to what they have to say about which companies are treating them properly.
How Could Planet Sex Have Discussed Sex Work?
This documentary went all over the world to talk about sex, so it makes sense to me they could easily have traveled to places where sex work is legal. Even here in the United States, in parts of Nevada, there are brothels where it’s legal, though don’t get me started on my thoughts on how the government needs to get their sticky fingers out of that.
Since the pandemic began, scores of people have started accounts on sites like OnlyFans and SextPanther where they publish their own adult content and share it across social media, marketing themselves as adult content creators. It’s sex work and porn wrapped up in one in a way. Not what you think of as traditional sex work? That’s okay, it doesn’t have to look like one thing because it isn’t a monolith.
Sex work encompasses a variety of things. Adult fan sites, cam models, Professional domming, financial domming, professional submissives, pornography actors, and more. Anyone who creates content for the sexual gratification of others can be considered a sex worker.
So why would the creators of this documentary seem to intentionally avoid discussing sex work altogether? Why not use this huge platform to have this important conversation that’s been at the heart of so many discussions across headlines everywhere lately? Were they afraid of backlash?
As a sex worker I’m always concerned about being outed to my community. It’s one of the reasons I use a pseudonym. I’ve been outed before and had it used against me in a custody case years ago, and that was only rumors and photographs, no real evidence. Had my ex-husband been granted any real proof of my sex work I could have lost a lot more.
Where I live, sex work isn’t completely illegal, depending on what you do. I can create adult content the way I currently do–I’m an online content creator, I have an OnlyFans account (and I publish content on other adult fan sites), I sext with clients on SextPanther, I video chat at times, clients send me money for findom purposes. I haven’t met a client in person recently, but it is something I offer under the helm of my ProDomme services. I don’t have sex with my clients, I’m no longer a full-service sex worker (FSSW) but I have been in the past.
There are ways around the solicitation laws, that’s why most sex workers refer to themselves as escorts. They aren’t encouraging clients to solicit them for sex. What happens between two consenting adults is between them–the client is paying for their time, period.
These are all topics Planet Sex could have brought up with real world sex workers in their documentary. For discretion purposes, they could have offered to hide their real identities as they did the owners of the sexual wellness company, Mauj. There are plenty of sex workers who would have been happy to talk to journalists willing to allow us to tell our stories.
If Cara Delevingne or the producers of Planet Sex would like to add to their documentary or if anyone else has one in the pipeline and want to interview real world sex workers and tell our stories, I’m right here–ready and willing to openly speak about my experiences as a sex worker, a woman, and a parent who has dealt with the stigma surrounding sex work. And I’m sure there are thousands more standing in the wings ready to tell their stories, too.
If you’d like to hire me to speak at an engagement or for intimacy/relationship coaching, my contact details can be found here.
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Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and if you’ve not already booked your dinner date at your favorite restaurant, or that’s just not your jam, don’t worry, I’ve got last minute date ideas for Valentine’s Day for you! Let’s face it, the world is a still a crazy place these days and going out on the busiest date night of the year may not be the sexiest idea ever. Honestly, I would much rather spend the evening at home with my partners than out in public fighting a crowd. So, what can you get into that will make this a night to remember?
5 Creative Date Ideas For Valentine’s Day
Order apps with an app
Make it a tapas party! Choose your favorite restaurant to get appetizers from and grab a few of your favorites. Bonus if they also deliver alcohol (if that’s your thing). You can expand on this idea by letting one another choose a couple of things each, then trying something new your partner chose. Or, if you’re brave, you can each order from a different place and see what your lover would choose for you given the opportunity.
The point is to make it fun. Once your choices have arrived, get comfortable and put out your spread! For easier clean-up, make sure to ask for utensils from the restaurant so you don’t have dishes to wash later on and utilize the containers the food arrives in if possible.
You can put on a romantic movie, some sultry music, or just sit and talk. Maybe you want to tease one another about what you’d like to get into later? Now is the perfect time to talk about plans for ramping up the heat once the food has settled.
Plan a short trip away
If it’s in your budget, planning a weekend (or weekday if it’s possible) trip away when it’s not the holiday season is a lovely way to break up the monotony of this time of year. It’s not quite spring, but winter is falling away, and rates for traveling aren’t too steep right now. So, while you and your lover are enjoying a sexy night in, why not browse the travel sites and plan a couple of days away?
You may not be able to travel right away, but sometimes the planning is almost as fun as the trip itself, and planning ahead means you can lock in better rates. Bonus if you can travel on weekdays when others are working, and prices are even lower.
Couples Massage
When thinking of date ideas for Valentine’s Day, or any day honestly, a couples massage always sounds nice. And you don’t have to splurge for a professional. You can do it right at home and get the benefit of a relaxing time and potentially spice things up.
Start by indulging in a good massage medium, like Wicked Sensual Care’s new Massage Cream. It’s available in Sage and Sea Salt, Unscented, and Patchouli and Orange Blossom–and it feels fantastic on your skin. You don’t need a massage table, use what you have. The bed is a great place to give a massage, especially if you’re planning to get naughty and provide a happy ending.
Light some candles, put on some mood music if you’d like, and get started. You don’t need a lot of the oil or cream, just enough to ensure your hands don’t drag across the skin. The point is to smoothly glide. I’ve written a great massage guide here if you’d like more details on how to give an erotic massage.
Have a deep conversation
Life, love, past experiences, they can all be deep topics and maybe not something that sounds sexy but let’s be honest, there’s nothing sexier than being open, honest, and even vulnerable. Whether you’ve been together forever or are just getting started on your journey together, sitting down and having a deep conversation with your lover can bring you closer and be one of the most intimate things you ever do.
Take it outside
If your date is during the day, why not plan a picnic outdoors? Bring a breath of fresh air into your relationship, literally, and enjoy some time outside with your lover. Bonus if you can find some place private to provide some cover–there’s nothing wrong with getting your naughty time started a little early and indulging in a little make-out session while you nibble on more than lunch.
Coming up with date ideas for Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be difficult and it doesn’t have to be the same old dinner and drinks at your go-to restaurant. With a little forethought and planning, you can turn this evening into something to remember for you and your lover. Something I always remind my clients of is, don’t wait for this heart-filled holiday to show your lover just how much they mean to you. We shouldn’t need a special holiday to remind our partner how much we care. It’s the little things that matter, and we can do that any day of the year.
This article contains affiliate links, so if you treat yourself or your partner to a treat when shopping I may earn a small commission.
There are a ton of brands of lube on the market today, so it can be difficult to know exactly what type you should be using for your adult fun. First, let’s get the shame out of the way, shall we? There shouldn’t be any. I remember the first time I brought up using lube in the bedroom. I hadn’t been married to my first husband for very long and I was pretty young, not quite 21 years old. Back then, I couldn’t express why I was having issues with self lubrication, but now I can tell you it probably had a lot to do with stress. Regardless of why, adding a little wetness from a bottle should never have been an issue, but apparently, according to him, it was.
He made me feel like I shouldn’t need it and even asking about it was a personal affront to him. Guys, don’t do this, ever. If your partner says they want to use lube or even if they don’t, and they break out the bottle during sexy time, go with it. Lube, just like sex toys, is a bonus feature in the bedroom, not something to be shamed about. It enhances things, it doesn’t take away from a damn thing.
It’s 2023 and I really feel like I shouldn’t have to make this statement but using lube is absolutely necessary when doing anything anal, just in case you weren’t aware. The anus is not self lubricating. Just putting that out there.
What types of lube are there?
Water based lube
When you think of using lube, water based lube is what probably comes to mind first. It’s the most basic lube available and literally goes with everything. You can use it with all of your sex toys, it’s compatible with latex condoms, and it’s typically available at your local drugstore. But be aware, not all water based lubes are created equal and there are some ingredients you’re going to want to avoid.
Remember: Your skin is an organ! Any product you use on your body gets absorbed into your body.
Ingredients to Avoid: Parabens (synthetic preservative that mimics estrogen), Glycerin (can cause yeast infections and UTIs if you are prone to them, if not, then this is fine. It is widely used in lubricants so it’s difficult to avoid), benzocaine (a numbing agent, we’ll talk more about this later), Propylene glycol (this is an ingredient in antifreeze!), Nonoxynol-9 (this is a spermicide that can lead to BV in some women, as it kills the good bacteria in your vagina).
My favorite water based lubricants also have ingredients that moisturize and don’t leave a sticky residue. Since they are water based, they don’t always have a ton of staying power, but the good news is, adding just a few drops of water reactivates the lube and you’re good to go!
Demeter’s Water Based Lube Recommendations
Gleam by Velvet Co–Formulated using purely sea-kelp-based glycerin, this top-selling lubricant is designed to provide a silky smooth, and comforting glide with no sticky or tacky residue. Sea kelp based glycerol is excellent for skin that is prone to dry irritating conditions. The sea kelp provides Omega 3 which soothes and softens, reducing sensitivity.
Sliquid Naturals Satin–Moisturizes with aloe, carageenan, and vitamin E, it doubles as a long-lasting lube. You can use it daily for relief from vaginal dryness. Cruelty free and vegan.
Sliquid Naturals Sassy–Formulated for anal play, but definitely can be used for any type of play, this extra cushiony water based lube is never tested on animals and vegan. No scent, no taste, glycerin-free and paraben-free.
Pros of Water Based Lube:
It doesn’t stain your sheets
Washes off easily in water
Compatible with sex toys/condoms
Cons of Water Based Lube:
May not be thick enough/long-lasting enough for anal/long sex sessions.
Some people find it to be too sticky.
Silicone based lube
If you have sensitive skin or you really enjoy having sex in the shower, silicone lube is a great option for you. One of the pros of water based lube is that it washes away easily with water, but that’s a con if you’re having a good time in the bath or shower–but with silicone lube, that’s not a problem. It stays put and has the added bonus of leaving your skin feeling pretty amazing. It’s also compatible with latex condoms. It is not, however, compatible with your silicone sex toys, as it can erode them and cause damage, leaving them susceptible to bacteria, which is never a good thing.
Silicone lube is also fantastic for anal play, but remember, if you’re going to be incorporating a toy, be sure it’s not a silicone one (or cover it with a condom just to be on the safe side).
Demeter’s Silicone Lube Recommendations
Wicked Sensual Care Ultra–Sensuous and long lasting, it feels silky smooth on your skin. Paraben free. Never sticky. No aftertaste. Vegan no animal by products or testing, Made in the USA, glycerin free, Propylene glycol free. Use code DEMI to get 10 percent off when shopping at Betty’s.
JO Premium Original–Their original silicone lubricant, paraben and glycerin free, buttery smooth with a soft finish, won’t wash away easily in water, and compatible with most toys. This lube is condom friendly (not with polyurethane) and is FDA licensed. Use code DEMI10 to receive 10 percent off anything you purchase from the JO store when you shop.
Pros of Silicone Lube:
Good for sensitive skin
Long lasting
Made with high quality ingredients
Safe to use with most condoms
Cons of silicone lube:
Not safe to use with most silicone sex toys
Hybrid Lubes
So is there an in-between? Of course there is. If you really like the pros of water based lubes but also want some staying power of silicone lubes–but you want to be able to use it with your silicone toys, then hybrid lube is going to be your new best friend. It’s really the best of both worlds. You can use it with toys, condoms, in the shower, the tub, for anal, not have to worry about re-applying very often, and for the most part it doesn’t stain (though it can, so I would still recommend putting down something like The Layer or Liberator Throw just in case)
Demeter’s Hybrid Lube Recommendations
Wicked Sensual Care Hybrid–A water and silicone hybrid, unscented and flavor free, super silky water based lube that is easy to clean as well as toy and latex friendly, blended in harmony with a rich bodied silicone that lasts and lasts. This fusion hybrid lube is an excellent choice for all types of play. Use code DEMI to get 10 percent off when shopping at Betty’s.
Sliquid Silk–Sliquid is one of my favorite lubes, so it’s no wonder their hybrid makes the list. A water and silicone mix, glycerin free and paraben free, hypoallergenic and non-toxic. Uniquely blended to emulate your body’s own natural lubrication. Use code DEMI to get 10 percent off when shopping at Betty’s.
Pros of Hybrid Lube:
Best of both worlds (all the pros of water and silicone based lubes)
Safe for use with all your sex toys
Safe for use with latex condoms
Long lasting (washes off easier in water than regular silicone lube, but not as easy as regular water based lube)
Cons of Hybrid Lube:
Not quite as long lasting as straight silicone lube
Doesn’t wash off as easily as water based lube
Oil based lubes with and without CBD
I’ll admit, oil based lube wasn’t even on my radar until a couple of years ago, unless you counted baby oil. Let’s not talk about that (don’t use baby oil as lube). We live and learn, right?
Then I was introduced to Foria and I’ve never looked back. Their CBD infused oil based lubricant and arousal oils have been a game changer for me and I am happy to tell everyone I know about them. For those who would rather not have CBD in their oil, they have a line of botanical infused oils as well, CBD free. Today, they’ve announced the release of a study with astounding results surrounding their melts product, a fast acting CBD suppository, designed to help lubricate and ease tension.
95% of women found that Foria’s Intimacy Melts (fast-acting CBD suppositories designed to help lubricate and ease tension) increased internal glide during penetration
92% of participants experienced increased pleasure while using Intimacy Melts
The study also found a statistically significant improvement in participants’ ability to achieve relaxation during sex following the use of the Intimacy Melts
I can personally attest to these results. I’ve been using the melts for over a year now and can’t imagine not using them on a regular basis. One thing to note with any oil based lubricant is, they’re not compatible with latex condoms. In theory, lambskin should be okay with oil based lube, but always check the packaging of the condom to be sure.
Demeter’s Oil Based Lube Recommendations
Foria Sex Oil with CBD–With just two clean ingredients – 400mg broad-spectrum CBD and organic coconut oil – it’s designed to provide all-natural lubrication, ease discomfort, enhance arousal, and assist with penetration both vaginally and anally.
Coconu Oil Based Lube–Coconu is a natural, coconut oil-based lubricant that’s silky smooth, non-sticky and safe for toys. If you want natural ingredients, no parabens, petroleum or glycerin, then Coconu is the right choice for you.
Pros of Oil Based Lube:
Can also be used as massage oil
Long lasting
Can help ease tension (if it contains CBD)
Cons of Oil Based Lube:
Staining
Can’t be used with condoms
Flavored Lubes
When giving oral, flavored lubes can really up your game. They not only add lubrication but making your partner taste even more delicious can encourage you to go for broke. Companies like Wicked Sensual Care have so many varieties to choose from–don’t limit yourself to only using one, you can mix and match multiple flavors to create a combination that tickles your fancy. One of my favorites is combining brown sugar and peach–it tastes like peach cobbler!
Demeter’s Flavored Lube Recommendations
Wicked Sensual Care Mango–Any of the flavored lubes in Wicked Sensual Care’s line are great, but the Mango is probably my favorite overall. Use code DEMI to receive 10 percent off your order.
JO Sweet and Bubbly–This set features Champagne and Chocolate Covered Strawberry, which you can combine for a real treat. Use code DEMI10 to receive 10 percent off your order.
JO Champagne and Red Velvet Cake–Featuring a Champagne and Red Velvet Cake, can be used separately or together for a different take on sweet and bubbly. Part of their 20 year anniversary collection. Use code DEMI10 to receive 10 percent off your order.
Bonus Lube Recommendation
Pulse is a lube warming system I just adore. When you purchase your warmer, you can choose water based, oil based, and/or massage oil. How cool is that? As much as I love my bottles of different lubes for various purposes, one of the best things I ever did for myself was invest in this system. When using lube, it can be a shock to your body when it’s cold–almost as much as rolling over into the wet spot! I don’t use it all the time, but when I want to treat myself, especially during self-care sessions, I definitely reach for the lube from Pulse.
When should you be using lube?
Whenever the hell you want to.
Beyond that, using lube every time you have sex can make things slicker, more fun, and just plain sexier. Something I learned only a few years ago when I got into sex education was using lube more frequently while giving oral (and receiving!) can be so fun and make things go down a lot easier. Pun fully intended.
Using lube when you’re masturbating is also fantastic, whether you’re incorporating toys into your play or not. Wetter is always better and when you’re engaging in solo play, why not romance yourself? The stress of the day can cause vaginal dryness, but that doesn’t mean you’re not turned on, so adding lubricant can aid in bringing you pleasure instead of focusing on anxiety about whether you’re really in the mood or not.
There are many reasons why our bodies may not produce enough natural lubrication. Let’s do away with the idea that just because we aren’t wet doesn’t mean we aren’t sexually excited, because that simply may not be the case. Certain medications, stress, and illness can all lead to lack of lubrication–all things that using lube can easily correct.
We need to change the narrative around using lube. There’s no reason to be ashamed about it, using lube is normal and does nothing but add to the fun.
The links contained in this article are affiliate links, so if you treat yourself while shopping, I may earn a small commission.
